random thoughts and emotions – when a parent dies

I have had a lot of events happening over the last few weeks and I think I just didn’t realize it was affecting me until my husband mentioned that I have been a bit edgy and that maybe I should take some time to think about what/how I am feeling.  He knows me so well… I often get wrapped up in doing and making sure everyone else is ok and happy and forget to look at myself or in my heart.  I now realize that within a matter of the last 2 weeks it was my son’s birthday, the second anniversary of my mom’s death and my 5 year wedding anniversary.  The birthday was so much fun but stressful, the second anniversary of my mom’s death was difficult, and my 5 year anniversary was wonderful.  I think I have been trying to keep my brain and body busy focusing on everything else and not dealing with my mom’s death.  It has been 2 years and I miss her.  I seem to be stuck in a revolving door of emotions – anger, acceptance, sadness.  I feel angry that she died, I feel angry that she is unable to meet my daughter, I feel sad that my kids will not know their “mimi” (who was the best grandma you could ever hope for), I feel sad that my friend and my mom is gone,  I feel angry that she stopped fighting….this is the hardest to deal with.  I know she was tired and deep down I know she made the right decision and that she is no longer suffering… and I realize that I am being selfish but I feel angry and then I feel sad because I had always thought she would be a part of my life, a part of my kids lives, a voice of reason, a caring and fun loving grandma… my son loved (loves) her so much – he spent a lot of time with her in his first 2 years and they were able to hang out the night before she died – he was making her laugh out loud and he was just beaming and giggling.  I miss those moments… she was the first to make him laugh when he was so teeny and she so loved him.  I know she would have been the same with my daughter and it makes me sad that she will never meet her…. she only rubbed my belly when I was pregnant and laughed when my daughter would kick :).

I miss her daily…. I do find comfort that I was able to be there with her for her last day and last breath and to watch her pass peacefully…. I am happy she is no longer suffering… but I will always miss her because she was such a caring person and a loving friend….

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