My emotional status is a roller coaster times 20… I am frustrated with myself, with this situation, with allowing my patients to dwindle… I know everyone says “it is natural, normal, you are only human”… But I am in the midst of this shitty situation without “in person” support……I don’t have time to be emotional….Cancer sucks, it really shakes up the life of those diagnosed and those closest to them in ways beyond the obvious…. My husband has a diagnosis that has turned from B cell lymphoma to double hit lymphoma and the treatments will progress for a while and it is scary. I am angry… I am pissed off and deeply saddened but yet I don’t know how to express this anger and sadness…. I have to be strong for everyone in my family, strong for my husband, strong for my children- we will get through this/ there is no other option…. But I run around with my hair on fire, taking the kids to and fro, getting them into their new preschools, learning yet another city, trying to get back to work, being there emotionally for my husband and my kids, trying to keep up the positive energy all while feeling defeated, exhausted, and drained because we have no real help… Nobody close by who can relieve any of the responsibility, the pressure… Even for a few hours … We need to find a sitter – we are in a new city and have been searching- hopefully by this weekend. Anyway, I feel like I am failing in every aspect of my life during this tragedy… Why can’t I get up, dust myself off and keep dancing????????
Today I realized that in seeing my friends 4 year old twins melt down I felt more normal… I think we often forget that kids are kids…. all kids will have melt downs, they will be sweet one minute, devilish the next, and then offer the biggest sweetest hug ever… then in a moment have a complete melt down because you didn’t put the cheese on the taco in quite the right way :). I can laugh now but when engrossed in being busy parents I often feel helpless in those moments – when you try every way possible to approach or leave alone or modify and often the child just needs to release that emotion and it likely doesn’t have to do with whatever the focus at the moment may be…. they release, they hug and typically a few moments later they are happy again. Since we often do not see those meltdowns from other children I sometimes wonder – are we doing something wrong? We aren’t – we offer choices and are firm and consistent and focus on be attentive to good behaviors etc… but kids are kids and they express emotions outward which is so healthy. It happens in all homes with toddlers – although I felt for my friend as she was handling the double meltdown with such grace… I also had a moment of relief that she goes through it too….. 🙂
Maybe we can take a lesson from our toddlers… wouldn’t it be nice after a long, grueling day at the office to come home and just cry or yell openly but not directed at anyone and then hug someone you love and it all be ok? I am going to work harder and be more mindful of my true emotions… throughout my life I have learned to bottle it up and put everyone else’s emotions ahead of mine… I even take on others emotions and hold onto them… instead of acknowledging the emotion, showing sympathy and then releasing…. I used to watch a specific movie that would trigger the emotions in me so I could have my own melt down.. cry and I always felt better….
How do you release emotions when you feel stressed, overwhelmed, sad, angry, etc…