My emotional status is a roller coaster times 20… I am frustrated with myself, with this situation, with allowing my patients to dwindle… I know everyone says “it is natural, normal, you are only human”… But I am in the midst of this shitty situation without “in person” support……I don’t have time to be emotional….Cancer sucks, it really shakes up the life of those diagnosed and those closest to them in ways beyond the obvious…. My husband has a diagnosis that has turned from B cell lymphoma to double hit lymphoma and the treatments will progress for a while and it is scary. I am angry… I am pissed off and deeply saddened but yet I don’t know how to express this anger and sadness…. I have to be strong for everyone in my family, strong for my husband, strong for my children- we will get through this/ there is no other option…. But I run around with my hair on fire, taking the kids to and fro, getting them into their new preschools, learning yet another city, trying to get back to work, being there emotionally for my husband and my kids, trying to keep up the positive energy all while feeling defeated, exhausted, and drained because we have no real help… Nobody close by who can relieve any of the responsibility, the pressure… Even for a few hours … We need to find a sitter – we are in a new city and have been searching- hopefully by this weekend. Anyway, I feel like I am failing in every aspect of my life during this tragedy… Why can’t I get up, dust myself off and keep dancing????????
Well, my life has made a very sharp and drastic turn upside down and inside out….my husband was diagnosed with cancer and it has been a long and crazy couple of months. It is a complicated story with lots of changes in diagnosis along the way so I am going to share this journey from my perspective as the wife of a patient and mother of two very young children 2 1/2 and almost 5 years old. I hope this will help my sanity and maybe a few others who may stumble upon this as well.
Let me start by saying out loud that this sucks and it is amazing how hearing that 6 letter word can bring you to your knees and change your life in so many ways… Terrifying, yes but you learn a lot about yourself and the people around you…. More to come on this
We were settling into our new home (to which we had moved 2 months prior) and my husband started to have a pain in his lower abdomen that he thought might be a hernia. I had to go out of town and returned the day he was admitted to the hospital… They had done an ultrasound and found the tumor but there were no other symptoms… Not even in bloodwork…. He ended up getting a stent from his kidney to his bladder to try to stop the pain which was quickly becoming unbearable but it only seemed to worsen the pain. Then we were referred to another doctor in another area and had to crash with family for a while.